The past couple of months have been really intense.
I stopped writing in this blog for a couple reasons. I’ve been in therapy, and have doubled my sessions. I was getting a lot accomplished through therapy, and writing in this blog seemed redundant, given the therapy and my hectic schedule. I was also realizing that the blog was becoming what I didn’t want: it was starting to hold more subjective, negative thoughts than constructive, objective thoughts. I was using the blog as a weapon more than a tool for self-reflection and analysis.
I need to get back to where I initially was with this blog.
Well, background is needed in order to explain the last couple of months.
I suppose the big news would be my dad’s health problems. The man has been living his own way for a long time. After my mom passed, he just developed this routine of unhealthy choices in terms of diet, exercise, and bad habits. He ate whatever he wanted. He never exercised. He smoked, much and often. Family expressed concern, and would ask him to tone in down. It’s difficult, though, because from my experience with depression and addiction, no one can tell you or convince you to change. You have to be the one to do it.
My dad was feeling ill in October, and decided to go to the doctor. Immediately, he was hit with some difficult news: he had already had a heart attack, and didn’t even realize it. This heart attack brought more news; his heart was fucntioning poorly, he was near-diabetic, and he had heart disease. Right away, my dad realized he needed to change himself, and charged into a health campaign. He quit smoking altogether, and began a strict and steady diet. He underwent a minor surgery that place two stents in his heart, in order to undo some damage. He exercises regularly.
After his initial surgery, Dad was placed in cardio rehab. He went three times a week for a couple months, with regular tests performed all throughout. Unfortunately, just before his rehab was up the doctors confirmed more damage was found, and stents alone would not help the situation. He was going to need bypass surgery. Open heart.
Now, when my mother got sick and passed away, I was in full denial and remember not thinking about it. I did so not only because I didn’t want to think of the possibility of life without her, but I also just assumed everything would be ok. I was young, and wrong, and I wish to this day that I was more in the moment. So, with my dad’s impending surgery looming over the horizon, I made sure I didnt run away.
It was difficult, given my schedule. I made time, though. I talked with him, found out everything I could, poured over his charts and stats, and just spent a lot of time with him. I didn’t want him thinking I was not there for him, and that I wasn’t thinking about him.
Dad’s surgery was this past Friday, and it was successful and everything went as well as it could have. He is recovering on schedule, and his vitals and progress are well within the parameters set by the doctors. I am so grateful.
These past couple of months have been huge for me, growth wise. They have also been difficult, as I have fallen into some negative behaviors. I’ve just been so busy, so swamped, and so stressed that I haven’t been able to keep up with my goals. I suppose that is what I need to focus on most, these days. I need to be able to keep myself to my goals and routine, even in the midst of stress and a busy schedule. It’s difficult, though, because being busy doesn’t allow much time for the gym, or for personal time.
I do go out. I have fun when I go out. That’s why I feel so selfish and stupid when I still feel empty. I hang out with old friends, and I make new ones. They aren’t always the people I want to hang out with, though. I have a problem not letting go to the past, in that sense. I’m uncompromising in that way: I want to be with the people I want to be with. I need to get over myself, and take in my surroundings, and the reality. My main problem is that I get upset when I don’t get my way, and that’s unbelievably childish of me.
I’ve lashed out at people I really care about, and that’s not ok.
I can’t fully describe it. It seems silly and conceited, to be surrounded by family and friends, to go out and have fun with people, and not feel satisfied. I’m not, though. I’m not hanging out with the friends I want to see. I’m not with who I want to be with.
I feel alone all of the time, even when out with a group of people. I suppose that’s what depression does. It clouds your eyes and your surroundings, like a fog of war. It’s hard to make out the good things around you. All you see are silhouettes. You remain skeptical and at a distance. Even when you approach the shadows and the truth is revealed, it always seems to be a disappointing truth.
This isn’t me pitying myself, or complaining. I’m not trying to, anyway. It’s a childish truth I feel. I’ve been putting off trying to move forward and learn from this behavior, though. Sometimes, I over-think or over-analyze small events and details and trick myself into feeling like I shouldn’t move on. I need to, though. I don’t feel like I’m at my full potential.
This semester is wrapping up, and I plan to make good on a lot of changes this summer. I will become more rigid with my diet and exercise, instead of slipping it in when I have time. I will enjoy any social activity I can, and enjoy it in the moment. I won’t waste time feeling sorry for myself, or wishing I was with someone else. This last goal will probably be the most difficult, but it’s arguably the most important.
I just need to last another 30 days or so. Gahhh.