Personal Problem: Stepping Back

It has been a long time since I have written a post, and my absence has been caused by positive forward movement and negative setbacks. While life is miles better than what it used to be, it is failing to reach standards I set for myself in some areas.

Life needs to be more “streets ahead.”

I have a problem. I often bite off more than I can chew, in terms of goals and standards. I’ve been doing well, but I’ve returned to the routine of trying to fix everything right away, rather than just working on things slowly and intelligently and utilizing a plan. This kind of routine is dangerous, ignorant, and often leads to falling back into bad habits. This kind of thinking was a philosophy I was bullied into a couple of years ago, because my problems were mounting and I was unable to help myself or accept positive forms of help from others. Instead, things became worse.

In a way, this has happened.

To start, good things have surely come to me. The spring semester has ended, and I was able to celebrate straight A’s. I even changed a B to an A in one class through perseverance; I showed my professor that I really wanted that grade. I was able to make the Dean’s List this semester, which is great but ultimately an achievement reserved for the younger students. It’s nice to receive the letter and accolade, but it honestly just reminded me that I am an older guy that still has a ways to go in college.

I have successfully kept sober since mid-March.

I have not smoked at all since April of last year.

The problem I am facing now is the lack of a schedule. Granted, it’s only been about a month since school ended, but it’s felt like an eternity. I have a lot of free time, and not much to fill it with. I have problems that cannot be dealt with at the moment…problems that will take care of the scheduling problem. I am beginning summer school, and I have to figure out what exactly the hours will be like for this online course I am taking. After that, I can figure out what my schedule is like so I can let my job know when I am available.

With this free time, I’ve taken steps back. I’ve been eating poorly and exercising sporadically. No set schedule has had me feeling the effects of depression; I need to feel useful and productive, and I have had no real outlet. Again, this post is about half a month overdue, and this rut will straighten itself out with the correction of my schedule in less than a week. By that time, I’ll have school and a job to worry about. I can begin a structured routine and get things back on track. Next time, I’ll have things lined up to pass the time.

Hopefully, though, there won’t be a gap filled with nothing again!

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~ by Seven Echoes on June 7, 2012.

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