Happenings: A Haunting And An Affirmation

When I don’t have a schedule, my life stutters. I don’t often plan for these lapses in schedule, so I don’t leave myself with things to do. When I’m in the muck, I find I have difficulty planning. Luckily, things have changed and I am, once again, on the path I want. I’m moving forward. I have just recently taken on a second job, and summer school has began. I have plenty to do. I like when I need me, if that makes sense. I need myself…to perform at work, at school, and at anything else. I perform best when I have lots to do. It feels great.

I needed a lapse in schedule like that to learn that, even if these lapses come [and they will], I always come back out. I’m continuing to excel, and things are getting better and better. My outlook is much more confident than a year ago. I’m doing more things and proving I have what it takes to be successful. I’m becoming happy.

Just recently, however, I was dealt a hard hit in the form of what I will call a haunting. I call it a haunting because it was an encounter with someone from the past; this someone also has unfinished issues, which is what most people give as a definitive trait of a ghost. This ghost has a problem with me, and a problem with things it perceives to be my fault.

“Youuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuused my tooooooooothbrushhhhhh.”

Now, just like if someone were to see a ghost, I was scared. This couldn’t be happening! Why would this person be showing up? Now, out of any time?

This wasn’t possible. This ghost shouldn’t be here, man. This ghost was supposed to have moved on.

Instead, this annoying apparition, representing past conflict and regret, was back. It had returned to my life in order to frighten, confuse, and bewilder. Its spooky wailing carried all the way from the past back to my ears in the present, stirring up old emotions and slinging new insults…insults I never thought I would hear. Insults that, much like the chains Scrooge heard, rattled me to my very bones.

I think I just about wore out the ghost imagery. Long story short: someone I used to know was bringing up old gripes and called me some shitty names.

The person, the gripes, and the names shall remain anonymous. What I can say is that they dug into me, and it hurt immensely. These comments made it to my ears by means other than the person making them, and to know that this sort of stuff is being said about me to other people flippantly makes me nauseous. It sucks! This was a person I cared about, and to hear this stuff was a nightmare.

I talked to friends about it this week, and as time went on and my friends explained it more, is that it really doesn’t matter.

It sucks, sure. No one likes being called names. The problem with this situation, though, is that this person is mad at a person that doesn’t exist anymore. The me that existed years ago…the one that caused all these problems and did all these bad things…is gone. Forever. I’m not the same person. I’m a strong, healthy [and becoming healthier], and driven individual. I’m a A student in a very competitive arts college working two jobs; I don’t smoke or drink or do drugs. I’m making art again, and sometimes it’s for profit…and all the times, it’s because I love doing it.

I’m not saying this because I want to ignore the past; I fully understand I was an unhealthy person with a mess of problems, and I completely understand how bad my behavior and actions were. I was unhealthy, and I wasn’t doing anything about it. I’m sorry bad things happened back then, and I’m sorry about the person I was. Unfortunately, I don’t think my apologizing will work. I think it’s easier for people to just keep the blame on someone and stay angry. And I get that.

I initially felt bad when these comments reached my ears, but now I just feel like they’re directed at the old me. I understand when someone is hurt by someone, and they want that person to know and to feel bad. Unfortunately, the person to blame in this situation is gone. I can do nothing about the anger this person feels toward me, because the anger is meant for someone I am not.

It made me feel better; it made me aware of the progress I have made in such a short span of time. Two years ago, I was a depressed guy with no job who had moved back to the suburbs to try and start over. Now, I’m a happy and sober guy who is a straight-A student, works two jobs, and makes art and does comedy in his free time. I understand the past sucked, and I know I wasn’t the best person. The thing about the past is that it’s over now, and I’m looking to the future. As for this person who still holds a grudge…

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~ by Seven Echoes on June 15, 2012.

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