Long Time Silence

I haven’t used this blog in some time. Part of it stems from relapsing into bad behavior, and part of it is because I just don’t give myself a strict enough routine and include blogging into it.

2012 was a year. Good things happened, and bad things happened. I made progress, but I still have things I need to work out in my life. I was shown incredible love and kindness, and tried to meet it in return. I was hurt by others. I hurt others.

Let’s just get into what my goals are, and how they are going.

Weight Loss.
I am nowhere with this, if I’m going to be honest. I exercise, I try to eat healthy, and then I stop both of those things. I am really struggling with eating right, and regular exercise. There are times I feel powerless, and then it gets me down. Then, I sit there and mope. I don’t exercise. I eat crappy food that makes me “feel better.” I haven’t gained weight, but I haven’t lost any. So, 2013 is going to, hopefully, be different. I am going to add gym time into my permanent routine. I will go to the gym at school, and I will see if they have weight loss groups I can join. I will eat differently. I’ll pre-make and package healthy lunches.

School and Grades.
I’m not doing bad. I have a 3.25 overall. I did not try hard this semester, because I lost track of school being more important than hanging out with people. I have yet to reach a healthy balance of this. I either excel at school and have to ignore friends, or vice versa. I lost myself this semester. It’s difficult for me to focus when I feel the classes are remedial, but I did the opposite of what I wanted to do. Rather than spring ahead and get all of my work done early, I hesitated and would finish projects last minute. It ended up ok in the end, but I shouldn’t do this.
I also need to focus harder, and commit to a busier schedule. I need to get out of school.

Creative Outlet.
I keep saying I’m going to start work on my graphic novel, and I never get past the ideas stage. I have all these great ideas, and nothing gets written down or drawn. I am officially putting that idea on the shelf, until I can commit to it. I will no longer use it as a sugar line when conversing with people. I have nothing to show for it. It’s time to stop talking about things that don’t exist. I do not have anything in mind for a graphic novel that is tangible. What I do have is a desire to create, and I can do so by other means. I have been using my creativity in other means lately, so I will continue to do so.
I was in a play this summer/fall. I enjoyed the experience. I’ve been invited to apply for another one coming up. I will decline. The only schedule I will submit to is my own. As much as I hate passing up an opportunity to work with people I really like, I need to buckle down with school.

Therapy.
Therapy is going to be a big deal this year. I lost track of myself and my progress this past year, and therapy will at least provide me with a weekly checkup on my thoughts and feelings. There are many issues I need to address that I haven’t yet brought up with my therapist, and I see the negatives to that in the way the late part of 2012 went. My inability to talk about some things led to me being hurt, as well as me hurting others. Therapy will be factored into my schedule permanently.

Job.
I need a new one. I need one that will provide me with an environment beneficial to me. I know finding the perfect job in today’s world is silly, but I’m not going to apply and accept one that will harm me or the progress I intend to make. I did that once, shortly after moving back to the burbs. I kept the job for a day, and quit the next.

Relationships.
This covers both friendships and romantic relationships. 2012 was a year spent giving the wrong people too many chances, and not paying attention to the people that really mattered. I pursued friendships with people who don’t deserve the enormous effort I was giving them. I got hung up trying to impress new people, while letting good friendships slide away. I held grudges at the wrong times, and forgave at the wrong times.
It certainly was a regretful year for romance. I got scared, I shut off, I was cruel, and I hurt someone who really matters to me. I was scared because it was the closest I had gotten to actual deep romantic feelings in a while. I shut off because I thought I was protecting myself; the last time I was vulnerable like that, I got hurt badly. I was cruel, and I didn’t mean to be. But I was. I hurt someone who didn’t deserve it, and I fully recognize that and will have to live with that.
This year, I won’t give flakes a chance. I won’t do anything without being ready. I will be honest, and open.

Drinking/Smoking.
I haven’t drank since March 2012, and I haven’t smoked since April 2011. That’s that.

I guess that’s it. I just wanted to write this stuff down. My days, lately, vary. I either have awesome days, or extremely dissatisfying days. I don’t know how to combat the negative feelings on bad days. My old tricks of walking, music, candles/incense, or doing something I like don’t work. My mind just swims in anger, doubt, uneasiness, and restlessness. It’s something to ask my therapist.

Waiting for school to start is also driving me crazy. I need things to do, and that can be hard when you feel down.

This has helped, though.

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~ by Seven Echoes on January 8, 2013.

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