What Can I Do From Here?

Things are happening.

For instance, the wind is rocking against my windows, making the glass rattle. It’s been keeping me up. I figured it was a sign to get up and do something. So, I decided to type this out; I would have started work on a design for a project, but my hand is a little cramped up from previous work today. Typing is much easier.

School is happening. I’m enrolled in five classes. This is the first semester I’ve done this in quite some time, because taking that many art classes can be a bit of a stretch. This semester has me taking only 3 art classes, though…so it should be fine. I’ve been doing well so far. I’ve set myself some rules for how the week will play out. Under no circumstances, EVER, am I allowing myself to have extracurricular activities on weeknights. I can’t do it. I desperately need the sleep and the time to work on things.

…he wrote, at 1:30 am.


Working out and exercising is coming along. I think. I’m seeing noticeable changes in my upper body and legs. Figures. Everything but the middle starts to look nice. I have more stamina; cardio has become easier, and I no longer have to rely on an inhaler to get me through. I go to the fitness center at school, and I go to the gym every Saturday and Sunday with my dad. It’s a great bonding time, despite us working out separately and independently. I sometimes keep an eye on him, though, to make sure he’s doing ok. It’s nice to have someone else in the gym that I know. I don’t feel so alienated.

Therapy is going well. Well, in the sense that I’m figuring things out and I’m working towards goals and it hurts like a son of a gun. I have disconnection problems, I rely too heavily on the thoughts and opinions of others, I make all these assumptions that everyone has their life together but me, etc. I’m working against myself. It hurts. I make the stupidest mistakes by trying to avoid situations that aren’t real. I’ve hurt someone I love and care deeply about.

All I want to do is apologize and cry it out and prove myself to be a better person, but that’s not how mistakes work. It can’t be like it was, and I can’t be trusted. I’m the one that screwed up. I’m coming to terms with that, still. It’s so fucking hard, and I just want to flip out on myself because I feel I’ve just ruined what could have been an amazing thing. I don’t even know what to do.

I just hope. My therapist is giving me advice on the subject, and I just don’t know how I feel about it. I’m so torn on how to act. On how to feel. I just have to hope. All I want is for things to work out. Right now, I feel powerless.

Maybe that’s another reason I’m so uncomfortable. I feel powerless. Scared.

I’m talking myself offtrack.

What can I do from here? That’s the question I ask myself now, often. With life, in general. Whether it’s a project or a problem, I ask myself what I can do from where I am. Physically, mentally, geographically. What can I do from here?

Hopefully, sleep.


~ by Seven Echoes on February 11, 2013.

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