Late To The Party

It’s hard some days.

[Cue laugh track.]

No, it’s difficult. Life stalls, mistakes are made, opportunities are wasted, and detours come up in the road. You struggle. You realize that you have to fix things. No one person can snap you out of it. It has to be you willing to make changes. When it comes to depression, failure, or any negative roadblock in your life, you have to be the one to bust through it.

I did. I’m better than I have been in years. I haven’t felt this healthy since maybe 2004. I’m in therapy, I’m in school, and work will be starting up soon. I’m firing on all cylinders. I work out, in some form, every day. I eat healthy. I finish my projects way in advance. Things, on the surface, seem to be going extremely well.

Then, why do I feel like shit?

I suppose it’s because I’m still human. Some days, I try to block feelings out in order to finish work, or concentrate on working out, etc. It’s impossible not to be bummed that I got here in the first place. It’s a healthy bummed. I don’t obsess about it, and it drives me to continue doing what I’m doing. Still, it feels like I’m  missing out on a lot of things. Much of it is transitional things, anyway. I’m still figuring out who I should hang out with. That sounds harsh, but with my major life changes I need to be able to hang out with people that don’t flake, and people that don’t pressure me to engage in negative behavior.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate what I’ve done, or how far I’ve come. It just sometimes feels like it hasn’t even been close to enough. I’ve stalled, and people have moved forward that whole time.

Maybe it’s just me projecting my perceived lack of self-movement. It’s just difficult, I guess I’m saying. These past few weeks have been difficult. I’ve been trying to acclimate to my new schedule, and still maintain a workout routine weekly. Therapy has gone into overdrive, and we’ve begun work on some topics that are very raw right now. I feel pretty alone. Conversations feel forced, lately. It’s ok. I’m pretty busy.

So, things are a little rough. It’s normal. I needed to vent them out, which is also normal. This post went a little Danny Downer, but I feel a bit better getting it out there.

Maybe bowling will snap me out of this funk.


~ by Seven Echoes on February 17, 2013.

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